What makes a good museum?

I’ve thought about this a lot during our trip, and I’ve come up with a few criteria. Here are some observations on the museums we’ve seen since we hit London.

Personal interest
If I see a place I want to have a reason for going there. I went to the Tower of London because so many important events happened there. I went to the Imperial War Museum at Lambeth because I like war stuff. I went to the Churchill War Rooms because I was fascinated by Churchill since I read My Early Life as a boy. I went to the British Museum because I wanted to see if the Parthenon Marbles were as beautiful as everyone says. (They are, but they’d look even beautifuller in Athens.) So I found them all interesting.

Stuff
Original stuff, the real thing that was used by the real people. The Crown Jewels (the Tower). John Harrison’s clocks (Royal Observatory). A Spitfire that fought in the Battle of Britain (Imperial War Museum). Pink Floyd's Azimuth Converter (the V&A).

Space (and preferably light)
To see things. To walk around and think. To let each object show its character.

The Imperial War Museum has it. The British Museum has it. The National Gallery, with space to swing a cat even with a zillion schoolkids around (tempting idea), has it.

The Churchill War Rooms doesn’t. You expect that from the Cabinet Room, Churchill’s office, etc – they were fighting a war underground. But the purpose-built museum space is just too small and too dark – both inadequacies due to their dependence on high-tech.

A clear direction and/or narrative
Something that shows the context. Signs saying ‘This is…’, ‘You are here’, ‘This way to the bouncy castle’. Art galleries have them: ‘15th century Florentine painters’, ‘Monet and Impressionism’. A logical layout.

Most places achieve this, like the ‘Time and Longitude’ display at the Royal Observatory at Greenwich. When they’re not good at it you can usually muddle through, like the White Tower at the Tower of London. But the Churchill War Rooms were in another class altogether. Truly awful. I know more about Churchill’s life than most people, and I had trouble working out where things were.

Not too much high tech
I like a good simulation. The Imperial War Museum has two: ‘The Trench Experience’ and ‘The Blitz Experience’, letting you experience for a few minutes the sights, sounds and the smells (yes, but not too realistically) of like the real thing.

The Churchill War Museum has won awards for its high tech displays. An interactive electronic timeline stretches across the room, a long touch screen display at table height that gives you access to documents, photos, audio and film from their extensive archives. It’s a brilliant piece of technology. But it takes up too much room, is too noisy and chaotic. Yes, you need audio-visual in a Churchill museum – you have to be able to hear him say ‘We shall fight them on the beaches…’ But they’ve gone so overboard they’re in another ocean altogether.

No audio guides
Sorry, no one wins here. I thought the bloke at the Churchill War Rooms was going to hit me when I said no, he got really stroppy. I should have told him why I loathe them:

• I don’t want someone else telling me what to think about what I’m seeing
• I’m deaf and I can’t hear the thing properly even with hearing aids
• The bloody things create static and feedback in my hearing aids when other people are using them around me
• They turn human beings into shuffling, erratic morons who can’t remember they’re not the only person in the room (most important reason).

But I was trying not to tell him that he should shove it up his arse, so I just walked on.

Balance
There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you’ve stuffed up. The Imperial War Museum spoke of the terrible toll of Arthur Harris’ bombing strategy on Germany. But the Churchill War Rooms explained the failure of the Dardanelles campaign as the result of poor intelligence – ‘Winnie wasn’t wrong’. I like the guy, and I can give you a list of his poor judgemnents a mile long.

Good catering
A decent cafeteria is all you need – it doesn’t even have to be made-on-the-spot.

The Court Restaurant at the British Museum is silver service (tick), reasonably priced (mains about £15-18) (tick), and truly excellent food (double tick) – a veal hot pot with potted shrimp that made my heart sing. The V&A has dining rooms designed by William Morris and Edward Poynter - very nice, except you can't get in there for all the Kensington matrons meeting their friends for lunch.

The lunch we had at the Churchill War Rooms, is a contender for ‘Worst Meal of the Trip’. (More on that another time.)

Something you’ll never forget
The Imperial War Museum: the hundreds of shoes taken from Jews killed at Majdanek
The Churchill War Rooms: his toy soldiers
The Tower of London: the Traitors’ Gate and the execution place.
The National Gallery: Turner’s The Fighting Temeraire and Rain, Steam and Speed.
The British Museum: the Parthenon Marbles, the golden torcs and the Portland Vase.
The V&A: Pink Floyd's Azimuth Converter.